We have all heard of “crimes of passion” but this is confusing love with abuse.  Love and abuse are actually true opposites and have no compatibility together for a psychologically, emotionally and physically healthy relationship.

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you’re involved with a love myth:

You don’t feel like equals in your relationship?

Do you feel disrespected in your relationship?

Your partner wears away at your self-esteem and independence?

Love is not given and received in equal ways?

“You hurt the ones you love most”?

Powerful emotions are a wonderful part of beginning a relationship and are there to reinforce the positive aspects of the relationship.  Couples can have passionate and emotionally fulfilling relationships while still being able to handle conflict, disagreement, and independence in a respectful and supportive way.

If you or someone you know is struggling with domestic abuse or possessive desire, or you’d like to learn more about services offered, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 to hear about our individual and group services.  You can also call the National Abuse Hotline (800) 799-7233.

The post Love Myth: Do not confuse Abuse with Care first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Love Myth: Do not confuse Abuse with Care appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Below are a few strategies to meaningfully resolve anger:

1. Recognize it’s a problem: Awareness is the first step. Recognizing that anger is not “caused by someone else” but rather a conscious or unconscious personal wound that still needs to heal.
2. Rate and monitor your anger: Begin to discover which situations create more or less anger. Rate your anger on a scale from 1-10 and keep track. Sometimes seeing in person how often you get upset and the intensity of the anger creates a feedback loop to addressing the anger. The higher the anger, the more we use our reptilian brain or the “fight, flight, freeze” brain versus our prefrontal cortex or more “rational” brain. This neurological difference affects our judgment and perception on a situation. We may act in ways we don’t normally act.
3. Take a break: It’s okay to take a break and let yourself calm down before addressing a situation. Does not mean ignore the problem. It means waiting for your anger to subside enough that you begin to think with your rational mid versus your emotional mind.
4. Challenge thoughts that fuel anger: Reflect on alternate ways to understand the situation. Challenge your response by assessing if your response is appropriate given the situation and the facts you have.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or you’d like to learn more about services offered, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 to hear about our individual and group services.

The post Managing Anger, not letting it manage you first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Managing Anger, not letting it manage you appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

However, there are ways of getting through the holidays without feeling shame, regret and unhappy due to negative behaviors.  Here are some productive ways of managing the holidays and stress so you can live a healthier and happier holiday season!

• Don’t deprive yourself. You do not have to avoid all sweets and desserts during the holidays.  Instead, set up strategies for how and when you can enjoy some dessert.  Treats are not forbidden, if you love pumpkin pie, tell yourself you’re allowed to have a slice of pie, just not the entire pie.
• EAT! Continue eating healthy and balanced square meals throughout the day.  By fasting we create unavoidable cravings that only lead to more overeating.
• Be mindful. Be aware of all the sensations happening around you….mindful and aware of what you’re eating to fully enjoy it but also be mindful to the company, festivities, decorations, music etc.  Enjoy without guilt; there is so much to enjoy during this time of year that doesn’t have to do with food.
• Have health snacks. Carry around healthy snacks for when you’re on the go holiday shopping or traveling.  Keep some satisfying and filling snacks on hand to avoid temptation and don’t let yourself start running on empty! Examples: cheese and crackers, protein bar, hard boiled eggs, fruit and peanut butter, vegetables and hummus.

Remember, there are no rules/laws around the holidays which say you have to eat everything or that you can only have it “this time of year.”  Remind yourself that if you really want chocolate, you can have it! It’s available all year round so you don’t need the entire box.

If you or someone you know is struggling with binge eating, or you’d like to learn more about services offered, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 to hear about our individual and group services.

The post Easy Ways to Avoid Holiday Binge Eating first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Easy Ways to Avoid Holiday Binge Eating appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

As we drive a car, we pay attention to how much gas is being used so we know when to refill. Similarly, the more physical energy we exert, as exercise, running errands or playing with children etc., the increasingly tired or sore we begin to feel.  As a result, we need to rest, nourish or get extra sleep to help our bodies restore. Often we don’t realize how our minds also are impacted by the daily energy (“running”) we exert in the form of choices and stressors.

Understanding how we use up our cognitive energy throughout the day can help us notice when we begin to run on empty. Some symptoms of mentally running on empty are:

1. Increased irritability

2. Heightened emotional states

3. Decision fatigue

4. Feeling unable to control or regulate emotions

5. Increase in negative behavior: increase in eating, smoking, drinking, arguing etc.

So how do you refill the well? Just as we physically may need to rest, heal and recover, mentally we need to do the same. Some ways we can begin to refill our cognitive resources and restore mental wellbeing is by:

1. Taking time to focus on your breath.

2. Meditation

3. Take some time to go outdoors (surrounded by nature)

4. Yoga

5. Calming music (ie: classical or soothing melody recordings)

6. Talk therapy

These tools can be as simple and brief or expansive as you need throughout your day. It may be as simple as eating your lunch outside throughout the week or stopping throughout your day to take a deep breath. Notice the next time you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed; perhaps you are running on empty.

If you are concerned you may be running on empty, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 for more information on our individual and group services.

The post Running on Empty and When to Refill first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Running on Empty and When to Refill appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Twenty-first century culture depicts jealously as an expression of love mixed with paranoia; that it is true love if you feel jealous. Yet jealously is best defined as fear, hurt and anger; not exactly loving feel good emotions!

In jealousy we fear abandonment, are hurt but the perception that our partner is no longer honoring or valuing the commitment to the relationship and angry at the painful experience of being cast aside. Jealously should not be confused with envy. Envy is longing for something someone else has. Specific to jealousy is the fear, hurt and anger that we will lose the relationship we already have to some rival. Jealousy may be perceived or reactive to a real situation such as infidelity but the tools to cope with jealousy remain the same.

The first step is to understand that jealousy is not a sign of “true love.” It is ego-centric and based off a dependency on the relationship itself.

Secondly, in an effort to reduce dependency, one must detach their own self-worth from the value of the relationship. Finding out that your partner is attracted to someone else is painful but that does not mean that you are a worthless person who doesn’t deserve to feel valued and loved.

Bolstering one’s sense of self-esteem and self-confidence is another tool to reduce jealousy and dependence in a relationship. Practicing efforts to act independently can foster confidence that you can survive adversity and trust your own ability to act no matter how unfair a situation is. Practicing doing something nice for yourself and thinking positively about your own qualities is an important exercise to strengthen self-esteem.

All these qualities can help you, as an individual, improve communication with your partner and increases fairness and satisfaction in your relationship. All helpful tools in reducing the likelihood of jealous misunderstandings.

If you or someone you know is struggling with jealously, or you’d like to learn more about services offered, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 to hear about our individual and group services.

The post Relationship Warning Label: Jealousy first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Relationship Warning Label: Jealousy appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

It probably won’t come as a shock to say we live in a culture that values appearances. For example, North American culture has placed value on thinness in women and low body fat in men. This is propagated by images in magazines, celebrity life on social media, the actors and actresses we see in movies and TV and even the mannequins displayed in store windows.  Not only can this lead to a personal struggle of self-acceptance, but can also cause us to ignore the signs and symptoms of someone struggling with an eating disorder.

Myth 1: You can tell someone has an eating disorder by looking at them.

Fact: Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes.

Myth 2: Eating disorders are a choice.

Fact: This one is dangerous because it can lead to blaming the individual for the mental health illness. Due to our cultural bias we may associate thinness as a “good” thing to strive for. However, the fact is, someone may choose to diet, but they do not choose to have an eating disorder.

Myth 3: Only teenagers have eating disorders

Fact: As young as 6 years old, girls begin to express concerns over weight and shape. Additionally, older adults can also have an eating disorder and may have been struggling with one for years. It is important to not let age be a factor.

Myth 4: Only females get eating disorders

Fact: In the U.S., 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from some type of clinically significant disordered eating. Men may also under report disordered eating.

If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, or you’d like to learn more about services offered, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 to hear about our individual and group services.

The post Getting the Facts on Eating Disorder first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Getting the Facts on Eating Disorder appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

I remember first hearing this idea of non-attachment and thinking, “easy!” However, during the next 60 minutes I found my mind continuing to judge myself against others, found my mind critiquing what I couldn’t do or yelling at myself for fumbling with a pose I have done many times before. It reminded me of how hard non-attachment is and wondering how often we benefit from practicing non-attachment in our everyday lives.

Don’t get me wrong, results are important! The difference is choosing to accept or to resist that which we cannot change.  For example, how often have you found yourself angry with the weather or mad that your friend is running late? We can become easily frustrated with the results of something out of our control. Practicing non-attachment means noticing when these moments arise and deciding to accept the situation, accept the conditions, accept the limitations. This change in mindset can have a huge impact on how you go about the rest of your day. Are you frustrated and angry all day, see an opportunity to do something different or not have enough time to run and grab a coffee?

Next time you find yourself becoming upset, struggling or angry (either on or off your yoga mat) see if you can make a conscious choice about how to view a situation. See if you can simply let go…

If you’d like to learn more, please contact the Intake Department at Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 for more information on our individual and group services.

The post Non-Attachment, or How to Just Let Go… first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Non-Attachment, or How to Just Let Go… appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Let’s look at one way to do this. The first thing you need to know is- SMART

Specific– Is your goal specific? Before pursuing a goal make sure it’s detailed and concise. Focus on the details of who, what, when, where and why. Having a specific goal helps it feel more tangible.

Measurable-How will you measure progress towards your goal? How will you know when you’ve attained your goal? Being able to measure your progress as well as when you’ve reached your goal can help with motivation.

Attainable/Action Oriented-Ask yourself if this goal is attainable at this time. Use verbs to describe how you will work towards your goal. Do you have control over making this goal happen? Set yourself up for success and ensure you can take the steps necessary to accomplish your goal.

Realistic & Relevant-How does this goal fit into your life currently? Is this goal important to your life or feasible with your current circumstances? Are you putting other things off or will something more important suffer?

Time Bound-What is my timeline? Is this a reasonable timeline? Does this timeline fit with what I’ve identified as Realistic and Attainable?

Taking a little bit of time to answer these questions can help make any goal more achievable.

For further information or should you have any interest in treatment please call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 for details.

The post Achieving Your Goals first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Achieving Your Goals appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

If you’ve identified yourself as someone who uses food to avoid and soothe a distressful emotion, then you may lack the necessary, non-food-related, tools to cope. Making this change is challenging as food is a very useful way to instantly boost our mood or distract us and our brains love efficient and quick solutions while our waistbands suffer!

One of the reasons people turn to food as comfort is because we are fighting. Specifically, we are fighting a distressful emotion. We waste time and energy when we are fighting our emotions and cannot see clearly why we are in pain or what is the source of our emotional distress. Beginning to accept negative emotions or emotional pain is one way to let go of food. Techniques to try are:

Meditation: Meditation quiets the mind because you are no longer fighting your thoughts.  Mediation gives us a new relationship with our thoughts as we notice and accept.  It brings into awareness what we are really feeling and frees us from fighting against it or turning to food to munch down on it.  Meditation does not have to be extensive to be effective. You can even simply start with mindful breathing for a few minutes a day and work your way up if you choose.

Journaling: The practice of writing down your thoughts can help you feel better because it gives your thoughts a place to live outside of your mind. We use mental space and energy holding on to thoughts in our mind and when we are fatigued we are more likely to give in to food or poor choices.

Support Network: We need support from others from time to time, especially when we are in pain. Having a list of individuals, you can reach out to for support, inspiration or even just distraction can help you move through the emotional distress and find the other side without food.

Distractions: Have a go-to list of positive, non-food related, distractions at your fingertips. Options include taking a bath, calling someone on your support list, going for a walk, painting your nails or some other beauty-related activity, play with your child or pet, read a book, play an instrument, arts & crafts, knitting, take a yoga class, etc.

Delay: Often times we use food to comfort us from boredom. If you can delay or put off turning to food for 5/10/15 or even just 1 minute at a time, you may begin to think about other ways you can soothe your emotional need.   Another way to use this technique is by a DBT skill called “Urge Surfing.”  The concept is, the emotional intensity of a craving (due to boredom or otherwise) has a peak but what goes up, must also come back down.  Simply notice your urge and remind yourself that all urges and cravings will eventually pass. Riding out the “wave” by delaying munching down on feelings can build up the confidence and self-esteem that you can overcome the momentary unpleasant urge.

Wellness: Going for a walk or practicing yoga are great ways to move your bodies in a positive, mindful way to promote mental and physical wellness.

Therapy: Individual therapy and/or support groups can also be a helpful tool for managing distressing emotions.

For further information or should you have any interest in treatment “don’t munch on feelings.” but instead please call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201.488.6678 for details.

The post Don’t Munch On Feelings: Stop Stress Eating first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Don’t Munch On Feelings: Stop Stress Eating appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Once the food gets paired with emotion we may begin to use food to cope versus developing alternative coping skills to handle the intense emotion or situation.   This creates a cycle of emotional eating, eating to soothe when the going gets rough.  It’s not a simple lack of willpower because often, for the emotional eater, meal plans, dieting and discipline don’t work. So what can we do instead?  The first step is to notice the pattern and identify why am I eating?  Using a hunger scale or journaling thoughts and feelings that have led to eating can be useful, as well as finding a support group to work through and process feelings related to emotional eating.  At STA we run a group-specific to emotional eaters.  This group is home to anyone struggling with, binge eating, bulimia, feeling out of control with food, or any recent or upcoming gastric surgery.  We focus on putting you in the driver’s seat so that food does not control your life.

Register online today!

Click here to learn more information.

The post Emotional Eating: Am I Guilty of it? first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Emotional Eating: Am I Guilty of it? appeared first on Specialized Therapy.