• The limits and rules we set for ourselves and within relationships, to protect our well-being
• Knowing our limits in a given situation, knowing what’s acceptable to us,  and what isn’t
• Knowing our values
• Having self-respect, meaning acknowledging our needs, not just another person’s
• Having respect for others, not being self-serving
• Being assertive, saying no without ambiguity

Why are Personal Boundaries important?

• They are a safeguard to overextending yourself.
• They are a self-care practice. 
• They define roles in relationships. 
• They communicate acceptable and unacceptable behaviors in relationships.
• They are parameters for knowing what to expect in relationships. 
• They are a way that you ask people to show up by upholding your needs.
• They are a way to create clarity. 
• They are a way to feel safe. 

How do I know what my Personal Boundaries are and how do I set them?

• Define them
• Examine experiences and notice where boundaries are lacking
• Connect to the intuitive voice (the feelings, sensations in your body, such as feeling pressure in your chest)

Quick Exercise

1. Think about a past, present, or future experience. Example: How do you feel when you think about, say, seeing an old friend?
2. Does your chest tighten? (Think about your feelings, sensations in your body, thoughts)
3. Is there a feeling of resentment leading up to it? (“Ugh I don’t want to go” could be a related thought)
4. How about during the meeting? Do you feel energized, calm, nourished, or depleted, guarded, and limited?

Types of Boundaries

Physical Boundaries

• The amount of personal space, physical contact, that is most comfortable for you and your preferred timing for physical contact
• Your overall comfort with verbal comments on your appearance, sexuality, etc.
• Your overall comfort with sharing your personal space (apartment, bedroom, office, etc.) with others (including friends, partners, colleagues, etc.), sharing personal digital passwords, etc. 

Mental/Emotional Boundaries

• Your overall comfort with sharing your personal thoughts, opinions, and beliefs with others without changing them to match those of another or insisting that others change to match yours
• Your ability to choose which personal thoughts, opinions, and beliefs, you share with others without feeling it necessary to overshare or attempting to insist that they overshare

Resource Boundaries

• Your ability to exercise choice around where and how your time is spent, avoiding any tendency toward people pleasing, etc. and to allow others to have a similar choice
• Your ability to negate personal responsibility for others’ emotions, avoiding the tendency to play the role of “fixer” or to make others responsible for your emotions
• Your ability to limit the amount of time spent on venting problems on the part of either person

Examples:

Physical: Friend makes jokes about other people’s weight

Change needed: You want them to stop

Mental/Emotional: A friend often emotionally dumps about her ex-boyfriend

Change needed: You want a more reciprocal relationship

Resource: Friend insists on a venue closer to their house than to your dwelling

Change needed: You want to meet at a more fair location for consideration of your driving time

Identify the specific commonly crossed boundaries to identify changes you would like to see. Use the following prompts:

My physical self feels uncomfortable/unsafe when _____________ (friend makes comments about my appearance)

To create space for my physical self to feel more comfortable/safe, I_________ (I will no longer be around people who do this)

My mental/emotional self feels uncomfortable/unsafe when _____________ (my family member makes comments about my new health choices)

To create space for my mental/emotional  self to feel more comfortable/safe, I_________ (I will no longer defend, argue about my personal health choices)

My resources feel  uncomfortable/unsafe when _____________ (my cousin call me at all hours to talk)

To create space for my resources to feel more comfortable/safe, I_________ (I will no longer take those calls)

References:

LePera, Nicole. How to do the Work; Recognize your patterns, heal from your past, and create your self: New York, HarperCollins, 2021

Tawwab, Nedra Glover. Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself: New York, TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, 2021

The post Understanding Personal Boundaries and Quick Tips first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Understanding Personal Boundaries and Quick Tips appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and Amelia Nagoski, DMA (2019) write about what they call the “Something Larger”, or the source of meaning in our lives. Sources of meaning can be the pursuit and achievement of certain goals, service to a spiritual calling, connection with others, etc. The “Something Larger” gives one the thought “my life has a positive impact”.

Making Meaning When Terrible Things Happen- How to Deal With a Turbulent Life:

According to Nagoski and Nagoski (2019), sometimes life is stable and flowing, and we are regularly engaged in Something Larger, and the world just makes sense. Other times, life gets turbulent, and we clutch onto that meaning for dear life because it gets us through the storm, it helps us tolerate the despair. And sometimes those rocky times last too long and you feel numb, stuck, and hopeless. Little by little, you start to rebuild, with kindness, compassion, and approaching tasks in small steps (and with help from others!). Eventually, we go from coping to thriving again and can even come out of it with a greater sense of meaning in our life.

The Origin Story

Rewriting the narrative of your experience, focusing on the lessons and strengths you gained through adversity is a way for you to turn terrible into an opportunity to explore your sense of meaning in life.

Answer the following questions:

What parts of the adversity were uncontrollable to you? (the weather, other people, your life circumstances at the time, etc.) (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2019, pp. 69-70)

What did you do to survive the adversity at the moment? (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2019, pp. 69-70)

What resources did you leverage, to continue surviving after the adversity had passed? Be specific. (Money, information, friends, ability to research and seek, accepting help, persistence, coping skills, hope, etc.) (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2019, pp. 69-70)

Think about how the experience empowered you, think about what you learned, what insight you gained. (write it down)

Write a summary:

Even though I couldn’t control____________ (adversity), I managed to_______________(survival tactic), and then I used____________________ (resource) to grow stronger. After that, I could_______________(skill/win/insight) (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2019, pp. 69-70)

Meaning enhances well-being when you’re doing well, and it can save your life when you’re struggling (Nagoski and Nagoski, 2019).

If you would like personalized support and guidance on Making Meaning When Terrible Things Happen, please call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201-488-6678 to schedule your complimentary consultation.

Reference:

Nagoski PhD, Emily and Nagoski DMA, Amelia (2019). Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. Ballantine Books.

The post Making Meaning When Terrible Things Happen first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Making Meaning When Terrible Things Happen appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Perhaps you’ve had the idea of going to see a therapist, but are afraid you are going to end up telling your life story to someone who only nods their head and writes on a note pad the entire time, barely engaged.  Actually, psychotherapy has changed quite a bit since the early days of the cliche couch and looking away from the psychoanalyst. The truth is that therapy can offer a safe space to talk about your problems and it comes in many different forms. Therapists are trained to approach your problems non-judgmentally, to provide feedback, not give advice, to empower, not enable you. Additionally, it can be a collaborative relationship about your goals and objectives for feeling better about yourself, your life, your relationships, etc. Thus, it is a unique process that looks different for everyone.

What to expect from therapy sessions:

• The first session is a gathering of information about you.
• Sessions serve as incremental steps in a gradual process toward your personal goals.
• The work can be long-term or short-term.
• You don’t have to talk about your childhood.
• Each session can be an opportunity to discuss your problem at your pace.
• Therapy is a relationship, a collaborative process.
• Therapists are not going to tell you what to do; they will not give advice.
• Some sessions will be emotionally, psychologically, mentally, maybe even physically difficult.
• Sometimes, therapists will refer you to other specialists as new information about you in sessions are uncovered.

Therapy might be helpful if:

• You just need to talk 
• You grew up in a dysfunctional family
• Feeling resentful, angry, sad, dissatisfied often
• You need support temporarily after a major life event
• Not knowing why you feel upset
• Uncertainty, self-doubt, difficulty making decisions 
• Your relationships don’t ever seem to work out 
• You are in a relationship that you believe needs improvement 
• Work stress 
• Academic issues
• Behavioral issues
• Family problems

For further guidance on the question ” How does therapy work?”, please call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201-488-6678. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to and the truth is therapy comes in many forms. To make the process easier, our highly trained intake department will assist in linking you with the professional that will help you unlock your unique therapy journey.  

The post How Does Therapy Work and How can it Help? first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post How Does Therapy Work and How can it Help? appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Procrastination is usually discussed as ‘self-sabotage’, a weakness, and shameful. In his Tedx talk, Voge invites his audience to see a different understanding of the question “Why Do We Procrastinate?”. The answer he provided was rooted in the need to feel worthy and competent. It’s something we can expect and predict given we understand human motivation and self-worth theory. When we fear our efforts will not render perfection, high achievement, or the standard we set for ourselves, we choose avoidance instead to protect ourselves from feeling incompetent and unworthy.

Self-Worth Theory of Achievement Motivation

The self-worth theory assumes a simplistic view that ability signifies self-worth (performance=ability=self-worth). If I am able, I am worthy. Thus, if you are afraid of performing poorly, you must protect your self-worth by employing certain strategies. One of those strategies is procrastination.

It’s not just a grade that’s on the line, its our self concept

Here’s a familiar scenario: You are a college student and a paper is due. After a long day of mild productivity, you start to do the paper. All of a sudden, you think “I’ll check my email”. 45 minutes later you say, “I’m tired, I should sleep and do the paper tomorrow. I will wake up extra early.” When the alarm goes off the next morning, you are not refreshed, so you turn the alarm off and sleep more. When you wake up again, you start doing other things that are easier than the paper, such as taking a long lunch with friends, cleaning, etc. The cycle continues until the fear of not getting it done exceeds the fear of failure .

Procrastination is a feeling of stuckness. You can’t sleep but you can’t work, Voge says. Procrastination is a self-protective strategy to deal with competing motivations-the drive for success and the powerful motivation to avoid failure. With procrastination, you can rationalize that it was poor sleep, being busy with other things that left you no choice but to do less at the last minute, not your ability to perform at a high level.

DTC-a helpful acronym to remember some tips for combatting procrastination

• Developing awareness
  • Gaining knowledge of self worth theory will help you combat procrastination because you understand the root
  • Gaining awareness of what you are feeling and notice when you might be avoiding through other activities, such as cleaning, checking emails, etc.
  • Getting to know your thoughts and feelings surrounding procrastination without judgment will help you to overcome it

• Tip the balance
  • It is not that you aren’t doing the task because you “don’t want to” or “don’t feel like it”; rather, it is fear and feeling overwhelmed that dominates the motivation to approach certain tasks, especially if they are particularly meaningful to you.
  • Balance that fear with thinking about the reasons why you want to do something, how doing so fits into your larger goals and mission. For instance, Voge said that he was anxious while preparing his Tedx talk about procrastination. He balanced that anxiety with his goal and mission to “reduce suffering and help people.”

• Challenge your beliefs
  • Acknowledge and challenge the belief that your self-worth comes from your ability to perform.
  • Voge offers these words:
    “Your ability is not equivalent to your worth.”
    “Worth comes from your human qualities of kindness, thoughtfulness, and vulnerabilities.”

If you need help with combatting procrastination and improving your self-worth, please call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201-448-6678 or visit our website at www.specializedtherapy.com

The post Why Do We Procrastinate? first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Why Do We Procrastinate? appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

How do I know I am experiencing high-functioning anxiety?

Below is a list of some signs/symptoms of high functioning anxiety:

1. People-pleasing in order to create an environment that makes me feel safe and less anxious
2. I endure long periods of hard work, then experience burnout, then I procrastinate
3. I overthink that I am not doing “enough” or I fear failure
4. Poor sleep—I don’t sleep enough hours, I wake up and cannot seem to get back to sleep, or I have trouble falling asleep
5. Racing thoughts that make it difficult to relax
6. Overly busy due to fear of saying no
7. I use alcohol and substances to cope
8. My anxiety, not ambition, is driving me to complete tasks
9. I seem like I have it together, but internally, I am struggling
10. When my routine gets disrupted, I get upset

Experiencing this alone can be overwhelming, especially since others may not know you are suffering.  This is where therapy comes in. If you need help creating a more manageable life, one where you are living, progressing, and not just “surviving”, please call 201-488-6678 or our website to book an appointment today.

The post High Functioning Anxiety: The 10 Symptoms first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post High Functioning Anxiety: The 10 Symptoms appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Mindfulness can literally increase both density and activity in major areas of the brain, strongly associated with emotional regulation and high-level cognitive functions, such as awareness, abstract thinking, reasoning and decision-making.

Mindfulness wandered into my life several years ago during my own battle with anxiety. I was an insufferable empath. Everywhere I went, I felt I was taking on the emotions and the energy of others. It distorted my reality. It took away the pleasure I could have been experiencing in the moment. Sadly, I had been suffering for years until, one day, I just shouted “stop!” to my own thoughts.

For the first time, I recognized that I was feeling “disturbed” by some event, and it was creating a trail of negative thoughts. Most importantly, by just recognizing my feelings, I soon came to realize that I had some control. At last, there was something I could do anywhere, at any time, and if done consistently, I could change the way I experience difficult feelings. Mindfulness became my saving grace. I am different in the way I experience anxiety now. It is still a struggle at times, but mindfulness is there to guide me. Below is a strategy I still use today to acknowledge my feelings and allow myself to experience them non-judgmentally.

The R.A.I.N Strategy

R- Recognize what you are feeling. Take a moment to put a name to it. Sadness. Worry. Disappointment.

A- Accept that the feeling is happening. Acceptance does not mean we like what is happening. It does not mean fighting the feeling. We are meeting the feeling, non-judgmentally. It is here. Not accepting can create anger and disappointment. After all, we are not trying to create additional suffering. Just acknowledge it with a deep breath.

I- Investigate. How long have I been feeling this way? Where can I trace this back to? What happened here? Don’t judge yourself. Just state the facts.

N- Non-Identify. This is a feeling. It does not define me. It is inhabiting me and it will pass.

Learn how to use mindfulness to boost your own brain power from us at Specialized Therapy Associates. Call us at 201-488-6678 to book an appointment.

The post Mindfulness Exercises to Boost Brain Power first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Mindfulness Exercises to Boost Brain Power appeared first on Specialized Therapy.