Apprehension about kids and technology is nothing new. Years ago, when it was first introduced, cable television was considered to be a serious risk to the healthy development of children. Today we don’t think twice about it. Closed-mindedness or even fear about new technology holds us back from developing a balanced view of the benefits and risks associated with it. The truth is that technology allows children access to invaluable resources and learning opportunities but also creates real parenting challenges.

Digital literacy and effective parenting

Digital literacy refers to the set of skills we need to survive in the digital age, including communication and collaboration on social media, the ability to find, select, and evaluate information, cultural and societal understanding, and critical thinking. Parents who spend time to become digitally literate are able to make informed decisions. They know and enforce limits appropriately. Digitally literate parents are able to effectively and fairly  moderate the duration, content, and quality of their child’s digital involvement.

Effective parenting requires a balance between flexibility and firmness. Restricting children builds resistance, while guiding them builds judgement. Several strategies to use in communicating about digital use include:

•Offer information about choices, consequences and responsibility

• Prepare, don’t scare

•Offer problem solving and guidance

•Be firm about your expectations and values. Encourage and support your child’s curiosity by demonstrating how the internet can be used as a tool for learning and self-discovery.

Prepare your children for a healthy digital behavior.

Talk to your child about internet safety and their growing digital literacy before it becomes an issue. It is important for every parent to understand that information in the cyber-universe is permanent and not difficult to retrieve to be used against you given proper motivation.  It is  very important to ask your children who they talk to online or if they have friends they only know online. Find out If they talk to someone who upsets or worries them. Make sure they feel they can come to you if they have any uncomfortable exchanges on the web. Are they sharing pictures of themselves? Make sure your child knows that they can talk to you if they are feeling pressured into sending or receiving personal or sexual images.

Warning signs of problematic digital behavior: What signs to look for.

Secretive behavior, evasive answers, excessive time spent on the internet. Upset during or after use. Late night or all-night texting. Diminished in person social contact.

Remember:
As James Baldwin states “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” A parent who is constantly on their phone encourages the same behavior in their children.

At times, we may feel powerless to establish a more effective parenting style that balances between flexibility and firmness and need help of a professional to ease our mind and guide us on a more fruitful path. To get help you want, please call 201-488-6678, click here,  or fill out a form below.

The post Digital Literacy: How can Parents be Prepared first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Digital Literacy: How can Parents be Prepared appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Fear versus Worry

De Becker differentiates between fear and worry. Fear is a feeling that is occurring in the present. The person is perceiving aspects in the current environment that are signaling to some part of them that there is something dangerous about the current situation. It is the feeling that animals respond to. The gazelle doesn’t debate with itself about whether a nearby lion looks dangerous or not. It gets out of there!
Worry, on the other hand, is about an imagined future. Some worries are realistic and can lead to real action. Many worries are about situations that are too far off in the future to take corrective action in the present or are about situations we can’t control.

People interviewed after someone they know who committed a violent crime often say that there were no signs that anything bad was going to happen. De Becker says we can see the signs if we know what to look for. He identifies what he calls “pre-incident indicators” that occur before violent behavior. He discusses the contexts in which these indicators can occur. They include intimate relationships, occupational situations, threats to commit violence against a stranger, breaking up with someone, and adolescents who threaten their parents.

Techniques for More Safety and Less Fear

The book needs to be read in order to take in all of the information that De Becker has to offer. However, let me give you some specific examples of techniques that De Becker offers about how those with ill intent gain the trust of their intended victim.

Forced teaming is when the predator discusses how the victim and they are in the same boat in order to establish a false perception of closeness between the victim and themselves. However, the situation is not accidental; it is intentional and directed by the predator. The predator is trying to project a shared purpose or experience where none actually exists. The simple defense against this ploy is to make a clear refusal to accept the concept of partnership.

How many time have you heard someone say, “Of, but they were so nice (or charming)” and then later regretted it? De Becker points out that charm is almost always done intentionally to accomplish an unstated motive. He recommends thinking of charm, or niceness, not as a trait of the stranger, but as a way that they are behaving to gain the desired effect.

Here’s a third one of the several other techniques that De Becker discusses. He states that someone who wants to deceive you will at times give you too many details. The details serve as a distraction and are an attempt to get you to lose sight of the context in which the interaction is occurring. Defend against this by remaining aware of that context.

Now to Follow Up

I hope that this information has been helpful to you to avoid harm from future danger. Sadly, there’s no guarantee that even with the information from this blog or even from the whole book that a person won’t be a victim of violence. We all need to take personal responsibility for our safety.
However, if you have been involved with someone in the past in a way that was traumatic for you or is still involved with this type of person, then you might want to discuss this with one of the therapists at Specialized Therapy Associates. Please call us at 201-488-6678 to speak to our intake coordinator to set up an intake for yourself to further your healing process.

The post The Gift of Fear first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post The Gift of Fear appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) by Gavin De Becker

 

DeBecker advises parents to trust their intuition about a situation and avoid engaging in denial about a situation’s danger. He tells parents not to rationalize, justify, minimize, make excuses or refuse to believe the signs of trouble. De Becker suggests that parents minimize their time spent worrying about risks to their children. If a person is worrying about something happening in the future, it probably isn’t going to happen. He points out that when a dreaded situation is actually about to happen, people don’t worry; they take action. Fear is a response to what is about to happen. Worry is something in your imagination or memory. Thus, trusting your intuition is the opposite of living in fear.

Survival Signals

DeBecker describes signals that indicate danger. He calls them forced teaming, charm and niceness. This includes offering too many details, typecasting, loan-sharking, an unsolicited promise and discounting the word ”No”. Some of these are just what they sound like. The others need to be read about to see what he is talking about.

De Becker looks at some rules that parents tell their children. For example, he discusses “Never talk to strangers”. He makes the point that when you tell your child what to do in your absence or that doing so will keep him/her safe, you are sharing a parental duty with the least qualified person available. De Becker says that if a child is lost in public, the ability to talk to strangers is the single greatest asset they could have. For him the bottom line is not strangers, it is strangeness. Therefore, something not seeming right is what triggers our intuition and this is what he advises us to trust.

Advice for Parents 

De Becker offers advice to parents about how to deal with potential danger from babysitters and nannies. He advises parents to get to know the parents in the home where their children want a sleepover. He gives advice to parents on how they should educate their children about sexual predators.
De Becker suggests to parents that they be assertive in assuring themselves about the trustworthiness of all of the adults in their child’s school. He talks about protecting a teenage daughter from those who won’t respect her rights and protecting sons from guns and from friends from troubled families.

I hope that this information has been helpful to you with some suggestions about protecting your children. Sadly, there’s no guarantee that even with the information from this blog or even from the whole book, which is definitely worth reading, that something bad could happen to a child. We all need to take personal responsibility for our safety and the safety of our loved ones when it comes to danger.
If you are dealing with one of the situations described in this book, you might want to discuss this with one of the therapists at Specialized Therapy Associates. Please call us at 201-488-6678 to speak to our intake coordinator to set up an intake for yourself and your child.

The post Protecting our Children : Learn the Survival Signals first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Protecting our Children : Learn the Survival Signals appeared first on Specialized Therapy.