Although kids are home with family, they still struggle with social isolation, feeling lonely and missing their friends. If you think about how children interact at school, they are frequently in physical contact, hugging each other or jostling in line, putting an arm around a buddy’s shoulder. Suddenly everyone is home away from all their friends. Suddenly, in quarantine, the closest we can come is 6 feet.

Self-Isolation

We know that in adults, social isolation and loneliness are correlated with premature death. In infants and toddlers, the lack of social interaction and physical contact can lead to “failure to thrive”, poor weight gain, and delayed development. We clearly all need ‘contact comfort’, a term coined by Harry Harlow in his research during the 1950s and 1960s.

So try to be patient with your children (and yourself!). Kids are home, trying to manage schoolwork without the teacher or only seeing teachers a couple of days each week on a Zoom conference. They feel lonely and keep trying to connect with friends through zoom, texting, or video games. Children can’t go out and play in the parks, get lots of physical activity and social contact. They are quarantined at home, struggling with schoolwork, struggling with parents who are feeling overwhelmed themselves, struggling with feeling lonely. No wonder tempers are short, tantrums are more frequent and whining is on the increase.

So, during this difficult time, take more time to cuddle with your child, give them backrubs, and quiet time together reading books. Encourage them to call friends, have face time visits, and tell jokes. Vary your routine on the weekends. Discover new activities and hobbies. And above all, be patient with your kids. They are suffering and struggling as much as you.

If you would like more information, visit specializedtherapy.com or give us a call at 201-488-6678.

The post Children and COVID-19 Quarantine first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Children and COVID-19 Quarantine appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Money and social status have been connected. Some people feel that a more expensive car or house will make their life better. People with investments may worry about the health of their portfolio, how much have they gained or lost this week? While it is nice to have a reliable car and a home that is large enough for the family to fit comfortable, more is not always better. In regard to investments, follow sound financial advice. Then use the basic strategy of not overexposing yourself to too much input. Leave the pouring over every financial paper and opinion to the fund managers and stock brokers. And if you work in the financial industry, find a way to leave work in the office at the end of the day. Spend time with friends and family. Also look at how you eat and how much you exercise, or don’t. These can both impact on your mood.

For those who seem to have trouble holding onto their money, following a budget is a good idea. Using motivational strategies for impulsive purchases can also help. Tell yourself that you can have it later. When later comes, you may realize you don’t need or want it that badly. Use money to buy experiences that you really enjoy. Take lots of pictures to look back on happy memories. If you find you can’t resist spending and more spending, or worry and more worry, think about finding a therapist to help you work through these concerns.

If you have been having stress related to money and finances and would like help, call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201-488-6678 or see our website at

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The post Money, Happiness and Worry appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Happiness is defined by Meriam Webster as a state of well-being and contentment, a pleasurable or satisfying experience. Sometimes we don’t think that contentment is good enough. Rather than focusing on the positives and what you do have, unhappy people focus on what is missing. They criticize themselves for not reaching an often arbitrary standard or having as much as the person next to them. If you want to find happiness, focus on the positives. Stop criticizing and comparing.

Happiness and How People Achieve it

Happy people are optimists who are aware of their own strengths and believe that they can accomplish realistic goals and will do the work to reach them. They commit to goals that support their strengths and values. They spend time working for causes that matter to them. That can range from coaching kids’ sports to volunteering in an animal shelter, from working in a school to arranging the local walking club schedule. They exercise to keep their body and mind fit.

Happy people are kind – to themselves and others. They build a good set of friends and spend time with them. Doing a random act of kindness will benefit the person doing it as much, or more, than the person receiving it. And when you are kind with your friends and family, that kindness will come back.

Happy people savor the joys in life, look forward to new experiences and hold onto fond memories. They review photo albums and reminisce about the wonderful vacations they had and the people they met. They put pictures or souvenirs on the wall as a daily reminder to stop and remember the good times. Happy people ‘stop and smell the roses’ – enjoying a sunny day or beautiful sunset. They enjoy a fun hobby or look forward to the next concert, vacation or party.

Happy people may have religious or spiritual practices that benefit them. Meditation has been shown to be beneficial for managing stress and anxiety. People who attend church, temple or synagogue can find a solid, supportive community there. They find meaning in life and a way to forgive others who have hurt them. They stop carrying resentment from old hurts.

Happiness is not any one thing. It is a collection of actions and choices, a way to look at yourself and the world in a more positive manner. If you practice happiness actions, you will find more happiness in your life.

References

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/happiness

The How of Happiness, Sonya Lubimirsky, Penguin Books, 2008

Choosing Happier, Jem Friar, Imaginal Publishing, 2017

The post What is Happiness? How can we Remain Happy? first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post What is Happiness? How can we Remain Happy? appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

“Don’t say it unless you mean it” is often the response to an offhand apology. When you are forced to apologize you may not do it in a sincere manner. Then it falls on deaf ears. It seems like more of an insult than a reparation. So a powerful apology benefits from sincere emotion. In order to develop that, you need to reach for empathy. Understanding how you hurt someone, feeling what it would be like if this transgression was done to you leads to a more sincere effort. Your sincerity is transmitted through your voice and body.

Reparations. Another important aspect of a powerful apology. 12 step programs talk about making amends to those you hurt.  But how do you fix the hurt or damage you caused? A card? Flowers? Taking responsibility for your actions? A public apology? Any of these may be called for depending on the situation.

Taking Responsibility

Taking responsibility for your actions. A good apology acknowledges what you’ve done wrong. “I’m sorry your feelings got hurt, but I didn’t do anything wrong” will not take you far in repairing the relationship. It may, in fact, trigger an argument and further conflict. This approach sounds like you’re blaming the person who was hurt. “You shouldn’t feel that way, you’re too sensitive” also blames the victim.  So, you need to validate the person’s feelings as well as identify what you did wrong. If you can’t see what you did wrong, you may just repeat it.

“You always say you’re sorry, but you just keep doing it. I can’t trust anything you say”. By recognizing and taking responsibility for your behavior, you can change it. If you use an offhand apology to Band-Aid the problem and continue your behavior, your words become worthless. People don’t forgive what you continue to inflict on them. In some cases, words are not enough. Look to the old saying – Actions speak louder than words.

And then there are those who just won’t say “I’m sorry” at all. They don’t seem to know how to apologize. Learning how to be comfortable with and to make a meaningful apology can improve your life and will certainly improve the quality of your relationships.

If you need help with making apologies or improving relationships in your life, call Specialized Therapy Associates at 201-488-6678 for more information. Or check our website at specializedtherapy.com

The post The Power of Apology first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post The Power of Apology appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

“Play is a child’s work” is a quote that is attributed to Maria Montessori and Jean Piaget. Both these experts worked in the area of child development and learning. They recognized that when children play, they actively engage in the world. Toddlers play when they drop a toy off their high chair. Is out of sight really out of mind? Will mom or dad pick it up? When they push or pull toys they learn what noise the toy makes and develop cause and effect concepts. Play helps children develop motor skills, learn colors and shapes.

During kindergarten and early school years, children play to build physical and intellectual abilities. Aerobic exercise, like riding bikes, running or swimming triggers the release of brain derived neurotropic factor. This factor works like fertilizer for your brain – so play helps kids learn better. Several years ago, I talked to a kindergarten teacher who told me her students are not allowed free play time. There must be observations, goals and evaluations.

With less play in and out of school, children may be more sedentary. Sitting all day may establish a sedentary habit. Expectations for continued learning and high achievement in all areas of life pushes children to believe that nothing is good enough unless it is outstanding. This stress can lead to higher levels of anxiety, self-criticism and depression if they do not achieve perfect or almost perfect performance. Without play, children have not learned the vocabulary to talk about their feelings and stresses. They have not learned coping skills to reduce emotional distress. They may cry easily, be irritable with parents, yelling or snapping at dad when he simply asks about homework being finished. Children may run to find escape in electronics, further escalating the problem.

Play therapy is an approach used with children, incorporating the natural means for a child to learn what they may be missing. Toys used are based on the age of the child. Some games may be directive –asking a child to take deep breaths or think of puffy clouds. Others will just focus on being able to take turns, win or lose with grace and congratulate the winner. Some therapy may develop intellectual or philosophical ideas with teens. Other therapy will focus on having the child develop trust in a non-judgmental, non-critical adult. Therapy can help children play through trauma and abuse, changing from fear of police coming when mom and dad argue to trusting that police can help stop problems. Playing through problems helps to solve them.

If you would like further information on the benefits of play or play therapy, call us at Specialized Therapy, Exceptional You or FX Med, 201-488-6678 or see our website at .

References

Counseling Children, John Bonordock, Continuum Publishers, 1991
Piaget’s Theory of Intellectual Development, Herbert Ginsberg & Sylvia Opper, Shorter & Hall, 1991
Spark, John Ratey, Little, Brown & Co., 2013

The post Playing and Play Therapy first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Playing and Play Therapy appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

Optimism is a core quality in a happy life. In her book, “The How of Happiness”, Sonya Lyubomirsky discusses optimism. Optimists are happier, have more energy and vigor, are more resilient, have better coping skills. Optimists are healthier and have a lower risk for some types of illness. Sign me up!

Actually, I don’t have to sign up. I’ve been an optimist for most of my life. I can find big and little things to be optimistic about. Not only do I find a positive in a rainy day, I know that one day I’ll be driving the convertible I’ve been wanting for years. I suggest to people that they develop lists of positives about themselves. They review their struggles and successes. Focusing on your past successes  helps develop optimism that you can succeed in the future. Along with this, there are many other ways to develop optimism too.

• Focus on the positives. Find an up side to small annoyances. Find benefits in larger struggles.
• Remove negative thoughts. Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right”. If you get stuck in the negatives, you won’t even try.
• Create an optimism diary. Write down things you accomplished in the past and what you want to succeed at in the future.
• Celebrate successes. Celebrate your own successes as well as those of friends and family.

There are proven ways to move from pessimism to optimism. Regardless of whether you were a ‘born pessimist’ or learned to take a negative view, people can change.  It might take some work but the benefits include a happier and healthier life.

If you want to learn more about being an optimist, call us at Specialized Therapy Associates (201)488-6678 or see our website www.specializedtherapy.com.

The post Being an Eternal Optimist first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Being an Eternal Optimist appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

In our country, where high achievement and productivity are so highly regarded, lazy is almost a dirty word.  According the Washington Post, average work hours for Americans range between 47 and 49. Fifty percent of salaried workers report they work 50 hours a week or more. So much for that 40 hour work week.

So many people miss out on the benefits of being lazy. How about sleeping in late instead of waking up to laundry and chores. Sleep increases our physical and mental health and alertness. Getting enough sleep increases our focus, concentration and ability to do more in less time. I’m doing an afternoon siesta more regularly.

How about wasting the day sitting outside with a good book, or taking a hike. The benefits of being in nature on stress relief are immediately evident. If you go outside, you are less likely to be depressed and experience exercise as less stressful. The vitamin D in sunlight helps with mood. Outdoor activity may even help kids with ADHD concentrate better.  So, I’m happy to sit in the sun with a good book.

Meditation, while not really being lazy, is certainly not a high productivity activity.  Meditation calms the mind and body. It can improve your immune system functioning and decrease stress.  It increases focus and problem solving. Sometimes your most important epiphany comes when you are not thinking about it.

Overall, the benefits of just being lazy seem so important that I don’t understand why anyone overlooks them. Regular R&R can keep your stress down, your heart and body healthier, increase your memory and ability to concentrate, reduce the risk of depression or anxiety and keep you away from bad coping efforts like comfort food or drinking too much.

So, I will definitely save time to be lazy. Sometimes all day, sometimes just for the afternoon. If you would like more information or help to develop your lazy side, contact us at www.specializedtherapy.com or call 201-488-6678.

The post The Value of R&R or Why I Want to be Lazy this Summer first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post The Value of R&R or Why I Want to be Lazy this Summer appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

I see articles that discuss career identity and transitioning from a full time job to retirement. What these articles generally don’t talk about is the satisfaction people may feel when they look back on a career well done. They don’t talk about the relief from early morning waking to manage a commute. Or having a nice slow cup of coffee watching the bird feeder before leaving for work. How work hours may change to avoid rush hour traffic entirely. How about the lack of stress from balancing full time work, family, home and all the attendant errands. This is also an important aspect of finding happiness as we age.

I see articles on the benefits of exercise for all ages. How exercise may not only support physical strength and agility, but preserve intellectual function. What I don’t see in these articles is the enjoyment aging individuals continue to get as they perform in master’s classes. The pride in being able to continue activities they may have done for years. And the incredulity in the face of a 20 year old when you’re 70 and mention that you just finished another marathon (or bike ride for charity or…). Seeing this can be a humorous aspect of finding happiness as we age.

Finally, kids, grandkids, friends and other activities all beckon.  There is real joy in playing with grandchildren who go home to mom and dad. And having time to spend with friends over lunch without feeling rushed. Or exploring those locations of hobbies you always said you were going to do. Now you can, and in doing so, will find true happiness in aging.

For more information or help in finding your own happiness, call us at Specialized Therapy Associates, 201-488-6678, or see our website www.specializedtherapy.com

The post Happiness in Aging – How to Find the Best in Life first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Happiness in Aging – How to Find the Best in Life appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

With all these holidays, we should be feeling really happy. But all too often people find themselves more stressed, depressed and disappointed during the holiday season. If you are someone who’s felt like this in past years, it’s time to take a new perspective on the holidays.

Positive psychology focuses on what really makes people happier and does the research to prove it. If you think you’ll be happy with that wonderful new car, think again. In her book, The Myths of Happiness, Sonya Lyubormirsky challenges our cultural ideals of happiness. She shows how old adages carry more truth. When Grandma said “A best friend is your best medicine”, she was right. Social connections and supports really do make people happier.

So for the upcoming holiday season try these tips:

• Give gifts that are activity based. Material goods only make people happy for a few days or weeks, whereas they can remember and savor an activity, concert or trip for years.
• Spend time with friends. Community and social support make people happy. If you are spiritual, your community can be through religious or spiritual affiliation.
• Practice kindness and express gratitude. Take the time to write a letter of thanks, bring homemade cookies to a co-worker, to really appreciate the people in your life. Commit to kindness all year. Too often we get letters of complaint. Too rarely do we send a letter of commendation.
• Forget about the new car your neighbor got. Social comparison only brings disappointment and striving for more. Focus on the positives already present in your life.

These are just a few steps toward creating a happier life and happier holiday season. If you would like to learn more about how you can be happier all year, call us at Specialized Therapy Associates, 201-488-6678 or see our website www.specializedtherapy.com.

The post Happiness Through the Holidays first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Happiness Through the Holidays appeared first on Specialized Therapy.

First, relationships take work. I often use the analogy of a plant. If I don’t water and fertilize my plant, then it will die. I need to pay attention and make an effort. Relationships are the same. Couples may get caught up in chores or work responsibilities to the detriment of their relationship. People often begin to take their partner for granted. If you want a great relationship, then you have to keep working on it.

Other important aspects of great relationships are:

• Talk – not just about your feelings immediate needs but also about your dreams and hopes. We do this early in relationships as we are getting to know each other and need to keep doing this over the years. Find new dreams together.
• Fight Fair– use fair fighting techniques to improve communication and your ability to disagree with respect.
• Grow and develop together – find new activities to do together. Plan new adventures and keep your time together interesting.
• Develop a sense of humor – laugh at life’s small things. Sometimes using gentle humor is better received than a criticism.
• Focus on your partner’s positives – remember the wonderful and worthwhile qualities your partner has. You are with them for good reasons. Those reasons will help you put small irritations aside. Spending your time focusing on the negatives can trigger a cycle of more criticism, dissatisfaction and eventual disrespect and contempt. These feelings may be the beginning of the end  of your relationship.
• Keep Dating – leave the kids home, the dogs home, skip the Sunday extended family dinner and just spend time together doing what you enjoy. Take a walk, cuddle at the movies and feed each other popcorn, go bowling, go dancing, just go!

If you want to create a better relationship in your life, call 201-488-6678 or see our website www.specializedtherapy.com.

The post Help! What Happened to my Great Relationship? first appeared on Specialized Therapy.

The post Help! What Happened to my Great Relationship? appeared first on Specialized Therapy.